Script Feedback with Steve Coombes
I had a script feedback session with Screenwriter Steve Coombes on the 30th October and he gave me some great ideas on how to expand and improve my script.
He gave me a written script feedback report, pictured below:
I found his feedback very helpful in understanding how other people interpret my story and what effect it has on them. For example, I found out that throughout my script Steve thought that I dampened many of my moments by adding something less important to them. An example he gave me is when Rylee is holding Jimmy while he cries and then the Nurse comes in to take over. Steve said by adding the Nurse in at the end of the scene it takes away a touching moment of bonding between the two characters which is the moment the audience starts to see the change in Rylee. If I re write this scene by taking out the Nurse then it will be a much more effective moment.
Steve gave me many examples of how to allow my characters to experience the story, rather than having most of the events happen off screen or through reported speech. For example, he gave me the idea that instead of Jimmy dying and having his funeral before Rylee next goes to see him, Rylee could get to the care home an hour or so after he has died and see him there in the bed waiting for the funeral director to come and remove his body. This will make a better ending because its much more visual and the reactions of the surrounding characters will be more emotive and shocking. In particular for the audience as it will provide a bigger emotional impact and give them a deeper connection them with Rylee as he is experiencing the news of Jimmy's death at the same moment the audience is. I'm worried that this may not be sensitive enough towards the subject of death so I may do this scene a little differently.
Steve advised me to show the relationship between Rylee and Jimmy flourishing more throughout my script maybe through a game of cards to highlight the tensions the characters may have. I have an idea of the two characters playing cards, using M&Ms as bets. Rylee could win at one point sparking a conversation of Jimmy discussing how his Love Evangeline always used to beat him at this game, resulting in her getting all his cigarettes or something along those lines. By incorporating this scene, it will give Evangeline more of a character and more significance in the story. This was something that Steve felt was missing from my script.
His final word of advice about my script to me was to change the setting to Christmas time, allowing me to link in the Christmas Truce with more relevance and also giving me more opportunities to bring up Evangeline.
Overall the feedback session with Steve has been extremely helpful to my understanding and learning of how to write a story with a lot more depth than I had originally.
He gave me a written script feedback report, pictured below:
I found his feedback very helpful in understanding how other people interpret my story and what effect it has on them. For example, I found out that throughout my script Steve thought that I dampened many of my moments by adding something less important to them. An example he gave me is when Rylee is holding Jimmy while he cries and then the Nurse comes in to take over. Steve said by adding the Nurse in at the end of the scene it takes away a touching moment of bonding between the two characters which is the moment the audience starts to see the change in Rylee. If I re write this scene by taking out the Nurse then it will be a much more effective moment.
Steve gave me many examples of how to allow my characters to experience the story, rather than having most of the events happen off screen or through reported speech. For example, he gave me the idea that instead of Jimmy dying and having his funeral before Rylee next goes to see him, Rylee could get to the care home an hour or so after he has died and see him there in the bed waiting for the funeral director to come and remove his body. This will make a better ending because its much more visual and the reactions of the surrounding characters will be more emotive and shocking. In particular for the audience as it will provide a bigger emotional impact and give them a deeper connection them with Rylee as he is experiencing the news of Jimmy's death at the same moment the audience is. I'm worried that this may not be sensitive enough towards the subject of death so I may do this scene a little differently.
Steve advised me to show the relationship between Rylee and Jimmy flourishing more throughout my script maybe through a game of cards to highlight the tensions the characters may have. I have an idea of the two characters playing cards, using M&Ms as bets. Rylee could win at one point sparking a conversation of Jimmy discussing how his Love Evangeline always used to beat him at this game, resulting in her getting all his cigarettes or something along those lines. By incorporating this scene, it will give Evangeline more of a character and more significance in the story. This was something that Steve felt was missing from my script.
His final word of advice about my script to me was to change the setting to Christmas time, allowing me to link in the Christmas Truce with more relevance and also giving me more opportunities to bring up Evangeline.
Overall the feedback session with Steve has been extremely helpful to my understanding and learning of how to write a story with a lot more depth than I had originally.
Comments
Post a Comment